Why I hate half of the people that visit my store...

This is a brief letter to all of those people who have either visited or plan on visiting my candy store.


Dear Madame's and Sirs:

It is not funny to walk into my candy store and utter the following phrases:

"I feel like a kid in a candy store"
"Oh My god, I died and went to heaven"
"It's like Willy Wonka in here"
"I would get so fat if I worked in here"
and
"I hope you guys have a good dental plan".

As previously stated it's not funny. In fact, you sound like a jackass and no one wants that for you, especially you. If you are one of those people who likes to pick things up and "look" with your hands, please place that candy back in it's spot, not three inches from where it is supposed to be. If you grab something and decide it's not what you want to eat, again, please place it back in it's respective spot. Pucker powder tubes are not "pure sugar" so stop denying your children the want for them. They are composed of only 20% sugar. So that 34 inch tube of pucker powder your child desires so badly, still has less sugar in it than a mini pixy stick, which is pure sugar. Yeah, that's true.

For our older crowd, I could care less about the olden days, especially when your story about the "good old days" is so long, that I feel that I'm growing out of mine. I also don't care that pieces of licorice are 25 cents, but they used to be 5 cents when you were a kid. Cars used to be $300 dollars when you were that age, but I bet you didn't bitch at the car dealer when you bought your Buick LeSabre. Also, they are called "Fizzies" not "Fizzles" or "Fizzards". Charleston Chews are delicious, I agree. The story of how they got their name is on the back of the box, so I don't need or want to hear your story of how you think or "know" they got their name.

Parents, please control your children in my store. Yes it is a fun place, and yes I enjoy helping you. I also like when little kids smile in here. However, I don't like when they stick wrapped candy in their mouth, spit it on the floor, and you put it back in the jar or refuse to pay for it. If you didn't want to pay 65 cents for that sucker, you should have been watching your 5 year old to make sure he/she didn't jam it in there mouth. Don't bring your kids in here, and tell them they can't have candy. It not only makes me want to give them a free piece (just to piss you off) but I hate the sound of children crying. It's annoying. Stop telling them they can't touch anything. You sound like a NAZI. This is a fun store with fun people, not a military zone where we sell radioactive bars of lead. It's candy for christ's sake, let them touch (but make sure they put it back in it's place)

For the teenagers. I'd like to start off saying that I hate you. I really hate you. If my kids ever turn out to be the way you are, I'll kick them in the crotch repeatedly. On top of stealing the cheapest candy in the store. You do other stupid things, like never putting it back. You move things around. It's a jack in the box, stop playing with it. It does the same thing and you laugh everytime. "Pop Goes the Weasel" and then the clown comes out! HAHAHAHA. You are retarded. I have no idea how much of any given candy is in a pound, so don't ask me anymore and don't tell me that I'm fired because I don't know. If I asked you how many times 7 went into 200, you'd have to think about it. So as far as I'm concerned, we're even.

To all patrons of my store, stop breaking candy inside the wrapper. No one wants to buy broken candy bars or broken bubblegum cigars. Stop ripping up the cotton candy and stop squeezing it. It's real, no need to pull it apart or smash it. Again, no one will buy it if you do that. No, the tattoo pens and sunglasses are not edible. Remember when I said no one wants you to sound like a jackass, especially you? That's what you come off as when you ask me if you can eat the sunglasses or lick the ink from the tattoo pen off your arm.

Yes, the Jelly Belly's are $8.95/lb. I'm sure that seems expensive to you. In reality, given our selection and our awesome customer skills by giving you the choice of which beans you want, it's pretty cheap. Also, of all the places that Jelly Belly distributes to in the United States, we're the second cheapest in the midwest.

Please do not ever come into my store and break any of these rules. It would be much appreciated by me and my fellow employees. Not only will you save face, but you'll earn respect. Always remember that a little respect goes a long way.

Respectfully,

Scottie D. Adams